Forgiving Love

Pastor Host’s sermon this Sunday was awesome! It spoke of common problems in the relationships of marriages, presented the gospel (no holds barred) and kept going and going. Contrary to the cultural norm, I happen to enjoy sermons that keep going after the 30 minute time where many people will start tapping their watches, even during football season. I’d say he probably went about 45 minutes, and the back of my bulletin was filled with notes. This sermon was both an introduction to a new sermon series and also the first of the series, so I’ll try to share most of it here with you as well as I’m able. Also, this post is rather long, but I wouldn’t have let it go this long (and Pastor Host wouldn’t have preached so long) if it weren’t of paramount importance.

The key to make a marriage (or any relationship) work, is forgiveness. From a married viewpoint, the affronts that require forgiveness can be anything from which direction to hang the toilet paper (I’m a flap-out guy) to infidelity and anything in-between. You may fall down one level on the marriage map or another through the disappointment you feel when anything that goes against your expectations is realized. This disappointment can cause discouragement, creating an emotional distance between you and your mate. If that distance is not remedied, through forgiving love, a sense of disconnection to your spouse is inevitable, causing discord and ultimately emotional, and even physical divorce.

A vast majority of cases in counseling sessions, both religious and secular, have a forgiveness difficulty as the root of the problem. People find it so hard to forgive others for various reasons. These reasons are all mythological, for forgiveness is not a matter of feeling, but of choice. We will get to that later on, though. The passage we started on as we explored the matter of forgiveness was found in Matthew 18 with the parable of the unforgiving servant.

Matthew 18:21-27
Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, “Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.

When it seems impossible to forgive someone, we need to look at how much we have been forgiven. Pastor Host did the math, using the weights of a talent and a denarius and the current prices of both gold and silver. With ten thousand talents as the amount owed, the servant had an impossible debt to pay back to the king. A talent is around 75 pounds in American weight, which would result in over $5 billion dollars in gold or $82 million in silver. Either way, that is an impossible debt to repay. The denarii, on the other hand, was worth about $140 in silver (as a denarius was a silver coin).

Matthew 18:28-35
But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, “Pay me what you owe!’ So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, “Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, “You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him.

“So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”

We have been forgiven much and no Christian is exempt from the forgiveness that we have been granted. There is nobody who has not fallen short of the mark, nobody who does not owe the king all of those talents, and nobody who is able to repay the king that amount. We have all fallen short, without exception.

Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

And because there is such a great debt, we all, every last one of us, deserve nothing less than to be condemned to eternal punishment.

Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

But Jesus paid the price for those that were given Him. We are forgiven people; therefore we need to be forgiving people. The forgiveness we display should be no less than the forgiveness we have been granted. By concentrating on what the weight of our debt truly is, and by realizing what the value of the forgiveness granted us is, how can we forgive others any less? Let’s explore some of the barriers we place in our path to forgiveness, explore how to avoid them and debunk some “forgiveness myths” so we may be more able to forgive others and more ready to ask forgiveness of those who we have wronged.

“If I forgive as God forgives, that means I have to forget that anything happened.”
Do you really believe that am omniscient God has no recollection of any wrong we have done? He forgives and restores us in spite of our wrongs.

“The offense is just too great for me to forgive.”
Remember, God has commanded us to forgive. When you are called to do something by God, it is either possible or is made possible by God.

“I don’t feel like forgiving”
Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice. It is an act of will. It is the overflow of God’s joy within you. Don’t confuse forgiveness with emotion, or your anger will control you. Besides, God often supplies the feeling after you forgive, not before. Try it out!

“I won’t forgive until I’m asked/apologized to.”
Forgiveness is based on grace, and grace always takes the initiative. If this were not so, there would be no forgiven saints. Salvation is powered by the grace of God, not by men who are dead in their sins. If we are forgiven, we are to be forgiving people.

Once we realize how much we have been forgiven, we need to make sure that we do forgive each other. This is where we close the loop that keeps us from so much of our happiness. Again, this is true of marriage and also of other relationships. It may be hard to forgive someone else. It may be even harder to approach someone, admit you were wrong and humbly ask for their forgiveness. I have done this recently, and it was difficult. It went against everything that I felt I should “have to do” at the time, but the joy I felt when I set aside the burden of the grudge was well worth it!

At this point in the sermon, Pastor Host mentioned the dog of one of the church members. They have an invisible fence around their yard, which comes with a collar for the dog. The idea is that whenever the dog approaches the boundary, it receives a shock, telling it not to continue on its course. This dog has decided to just grit its teeth, endure the pain and push through it toward freedom. That, in essence, is what we are to do. The act of pushing through the shame of an apology or the task of forgiveness must not keep us from looking to the liberation of releasing the burden that we have tied around our own necks.

Another example was given, this time as a story of a teacher who had each student write the name of someone they were angry with for one reason or another on a potato. Some of the students had quite a few potatoes, for sure! Each student was given a bag to hold their potatoes and told to carry it wherever they went for a month. As time went by, the weight and the smell of the slowly-rotting potatoes became unbearable, but a potato could only be removed by seeking that person out and offering forgiveness for whatever wrong they committed.

In the potato illustration, you will note that the people whose names were written on the potatoes didn’t even know that their names were on there. All too often, that’s how a grudge works. You are the one carrying the stinky weight around and they are blind to the fact that you look at them with any discomfort whatsoever. So what do we need to do to reclaim our place on the road toward happiness in the relationship? We need to avoid the forks in the road that will lead us toward bitterness and away from the act of forgiveness. The offense-hurt-anger loop must be broken through effective communication.

There were several suggestions made as to how a couple could communicate more effectively, but none of them were surprises. Don’t interrupt. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Avoid the use of such words as “always” and “never.” Never shut down communication with the silent treatment. Focus on the positive side of things. Respect the different thinking processes between men and women. With men, it’s all about the destination; with women, it’s all about the journey, for those taking notes. Nothing too difficult… until you are in the midst of an argument.

These skills must be worked on while a couple is not arguing, because sooner or later, they will be. A bond between two different people, married or not, will have disagreements unless communication has ceased. The character of any relationship is found in the trying times by observing the actions-reactions of the pair.

Finally, we were given steps toward asking forgiveness from your spouse. Again, this applies to all relationships.

1. Confession. “Honey, I was wrong about…”
2. Apologies. “I’m sorry that I…”
3. Repentance. This can be defined as actions based on the apology.
4. Request. “Will you forgive me for ____?”

A blanket apology is what some people would suggest. In a marriage, though, we need to know that the specific shortcoming has been forgiven. This puts us back on the road to a stable household. This points us toward “God’s best” for our marriages and other relationships.