March 26, 2004
My Testimony
In light of last night's miracle of grace, I feel that it is time to share with you the story of my walk with Christ. Just so you know, I have never shared this story publicly. In fact, very few people have ever heard the parts of it, and nobody has ever heard the entire testimony. I have told bits and pieces to my wife, my parents, the men of our small group in church, and a pair of deacons in the church when I became a member. I guess that's because there's not much of a story to tell. Or is there?
Many people are able to point to a date on the calendar and say, "This is my birthday in Christ." They have a before and after picture of what it means to be separated from God and then to feel the gentle waters of reconciliation washing away their stubborn nature but I don't have that luxury. I was raised in a Christian home under the knowledgeable care of my parents who loved the Lord and raised me to love Him as well.
My mother was raised in a family of ministry, both in missions in Colombia and in Minnesota, and her father was perhaps the most godly man I have ever had the privilege to know. My father was raised with a strong influence of God in his home as well. His upbringing along with the call of the Lord called him to take my mother and myself (at the tender age of three) to Belize in Central America for a short time as missionaries until a medical difficulty forced us to return to Iowa. I look back and realize that I can't remember anything about my childhood that predates the missions trip and am overjoyed by that. That's not to say that my life before then was bad, but how could I trade any memory for one of service to God?
My earliest memories of what it means to be a father were also forged during this time. My father loved the people he preached to and worked hard alongside them. At home, he played with me. He would let me make mistakes and learn from them, but he was always watching out for my safety. Two examples come to mind. One was a tarantula that I almost stepped on in bare feet. The other is a trip we took to the Mayan ruins. We returned to the US with that tarantula in a jar and I still remember the strong feel of my father's hand around mine as we climbed up the steep steps of the pyramids of the Mayan Ruins. My hand ached with such redness when we surveyed the landscape from the top of that pyramid, but it was an ache that reminded me that my father loved me enough to hurt me if that hurt would be evidence of his love for me.
It was about a year later that I heard the call of the Lord to be His. I remember kneeling in the bedroom I claimed as mine at my grandmother's home and asking Jesus to come into my heart. I then remember running into the living room and announcing what I had just done. I was so excited and happy at the time, but as the years progressed, I began to have my doubts. Was I old enough to make a transaction like that? Did I say the words right? What real sins did I have at that point that needed to be washed away? I re-said the prayer several times just to be sure there was no misunderstanding, but that only created new doubts. Which of these prayers of salvation was the one that "counted" and were the others invalidated? If my faith in the original had weakened, did it even apply any longer? Oh how I wish I had the opportunity to hear this message on that subject at that time of my life! As adolescence came upon me, I began a wrestling match with God that lasted nearly two decades.
I mentioned earlier the pain of my father's grip on me as he protected me from a potentially fatal fall. My Father in heaven kept a tight grip on me as well, as I was growing up and seeking the pleasures of the world. That just makes sense, doesn't it? He was still mine and I was His. Our Father protects us when we need it, whether we think we need it or not. And like the time my hand ached from the vice grip of my father's clutch, I didn't appreciate the protective grip of my Father, nor did I want it. I felt it was a curse at the time, but in retrospect, it was perhaps the greatest blessing of my life.
Sex, limited drugs, alcohol and anger became the idols I worshiped at after moving out and living on my own. I was still His and He was still mine, but when I moved out of the family home and started to make my own way in this world, I had the feeling that I could just point to the savior when my time came, and thus had a green light to do as I pleased. Talk about missing out on the advantages of membership! Eventually, my sins led to a crossroads in my life. My girlfriend informed me that she was pregnant with loud sobs. She wailed on that she didn't know what to do now, and surprisingly, I was the calm one of that evening. I put my arm around her and assured her that all would be well. We had tossed around the idea of marriage, and in my mind, this was the event that would lead me to make a commitment. One part of that commitment was the self-prohibition of all illegal drugs and heavy drinking.
We were married in April and in August we were the parents of the most beautiful gift that a loving God could bestow on two sinners. We hadn't been going to church, as our religious backgrounds were very different and we couldn't agree on where we should go. Each year, our largely secular lives tolled on my heart and I knew that I was now responsible for more than just myself. The thing is, I had done it my own way for so long, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to release my grip on my destiny and turn it over to God.
After a few years, we visited a church that met in a school that was close to our home. There were many people there our age and Ben had other kids to play with in a children's church that took him from us. At first, that was great, as we didn't have to watch him. We'd pick him up on our way out of the church and see some little artsy craft he had worked on to pass the time while his parents were fed spiritual milk. He never got the message, though, that his parents were worshiping the Lord, because he never experienced nor witnessed it. As far as he knew, we went to the adult room to make our own paper and paste creations, for that is what church is, right? I began to wonder if this was the best arrangement for a family, but at least I was in a church and that was better than sleeping in before reading the newspaper in my underwear in the late morning.
I was also on a rotation to work in the media area from time to time. For the most part, I only helped set up and take down the equipment, and every so often I would get to advance the Powerpoint slides the pastor used in his sermons. I wasn't a vital cog in the church machine, but I felt like I was starting to be used by God and then Tina decided not to go to that church any longer.
The pastor had spent an entire message time informing the members that he had done the math and that he projected the average income of us at $8000 a year, based on a ten percent tithe. He wanted a new church building and we weren't holding up our financial end of the bargain. He suggested that we sell our possessions, including our homes, and giving the proceeds to the church. This angered Tina to the point that she refused to continue to visit that church and she frowned at my attending and helping out.
A month later, I was disgusted with a sermon and never returned. My family needed spiritual milk, but while we were ready for 2%, this was thinner than skim milk! The entire message was a comparison of the ancient Babylonians, Romans and Israelites and how only the Israelites are around today and this is because the Lord is on their side. I waited for a Biblical passage that could tie the message together and when that didn't arrive, I started looking for the punchline. When that didn't come, either, I walked out never to return. In my mind, God failed me and my family with a church that was all about entertaining our children while the parents could be seen in a socially acceptable upscale church. It looked like the local Chamber of Commerce in there, and deals were made before and after the services, just like they were made in the temple courtyard before Jesus chased away the money changers. I was glad to be free of that misguided den of social theology, but felt guilty that I had taken my son away from the only real church environment he had known.
A year and a half ago, I decided to read the Bible all the way through and let it show me some answers to the turmoil in my life. The anger was always just below my surface still and I knew that something had to give. The commitment to my family was, at times, all that held our fragile marriage together. Day after day, I read the Bible, and used the readers of my newsletter to keep me on track, for I knew that I would fail to continue on my own.
I read a daily passage, and somehow felt a little bit separated from it. This was very educational reading, but could the grace of God apply to even me? I got that answer from the Veggie Tales Jonah movie when I learned that God is the God of second chances. I was floored! I watched that movie a few times and started to enjoy the music that went along with it. The song that really stood out was "In the Belly of the Whale" performed by some group called the Newsboys. I explored their music for a bit and the song "Entertaining Angels" really struck a chord in me. God was patiently waiting for me to return to Him, calling on me to be His again in more than name. I am His creation and up to this point, I truly hadn't been walking His path. Part of that chorus says "by the time i fall to my knees, host of heaven, sing over me." Could it be? Would God truly welcome someone like me back? I had been a drunkard, a casual drug user, a sexual sinner, a liar, a thief and an idolater of my own making. Was God truly the God of second chances?
As I read the Word, I began to wish to attend a church again. As it turned out, we went to the church I grew up in. Tina said she enjoyed it, but I was unsure that this would continue. Then we went back the next week and she told me that she wanted to make this our church and we have continued to attend and placed our claim to the church as truly ours in church membership. Every sermon I hear is spoken like it was meant for my ears alone. Every passage from the Bible shows me something new about the nature of God. I am following Him now and it only took me thirty years to surrender to His providence.
I have a sense of peace now that I never had. Through most of this story I have been His and He has been mine, but until I stopped struggling with God, there was no peace. I don't have a "before I was saved / after I was saved" story. I have a "before I surrendered / after I surrendered" story.
Here's a quote of a previous post:
| Surrender to God's plan. As we see here in Luke 1:38, Mary surrendered to God's will. We don't truly follow until we surrender to Him. There are millions of legitimately saved people out there who still are following their own path, but that does not lead to any semblance of spiritual calm. Until we surrender, we're fighting a God who cannot lose. |
Thank you for reading this testimony. The joy of the Lord is upon me now that I have surrendered. I pray that the remaining aspects of my life that are not Christlike will be repelled by the Holy Spirit as quickly as possible, but I understand that my growth and maturity in God is a process that will be done in His time, not mine.
Fellow bloggers, if you have posted your testimony, I'd love to read it. If you haven't done so, I encourage you to do so. Please include a link to such a post either in my comments or TrackBack area so I can see you proclaim the power of the Lord!
God bless you all!
by Doug McHone at 01:48 PM
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Thank you for sharing your testimony. I never thought about posting mine.
Posted by: Michael Morgan at March 26, 2004 05:31 PMThis was the hardest and the most rewarding post I've ever done. When it was done, I cried out to God as my hopeless situation was made clear to me. I had never thought of my former sins as a type of idolatry, but when I looked at the facts, I could think of no better description. And from now on, I really don't have any secrets, do I?
I allowed my "Get out of Hell Free" card to be an excuse for all forms of depravity, and now I can rest in my submission to the Lord. I used to fret about my lack of a before/after story, but in reality, I was living it!
Yes, I have a checkered past. I used to chase after the lustful thoughts of the world and have never come clean about it all until today. My drug use was limited to pot (sometimes laced), but I prided myself by the fact that I never purchased it, I only used the pot offered to me. So I was not only a pothead, but a freeloading pothead.
My sex life was fairly active. I had sex with quite a number of girls in a 5-6 year period. I always believed that I would never forget any of them, but every so often, I wonder if I actually had sex with some girl or if I just crashed at her place after passing out. That always made for a great excuse for my conscience and when I was sober, I maintained that I was faithful to that one girl. At least until another came along.
I made it my goal of making excuses for everything I did for years! Every sin. Every transgression. I had some excuse for each one at the time that made sense to me. In hindsight, I wasn't fooling anybody. Not even myself, otherwise I wouldn't have had to make excuses.
There's freedom in submission to God's perfect will. There's power in surrendering the fight of your lustful desires vs. the holy desires of God. There's a sense of completion in not deciding your own path through life, but in following the Good Shepherd. I am quietly offended when non-believers refer to Christians as sheep as if that is such a bad thing. I am a sheep who tried to walk apart from his shepherd for many years.
And why did I return from my freedom of desires? The promises of contentment in drugs, alcohol, sex and avoiding God's perfect will is a lie. God created each one of us. He shaped us in the womb and had a specific plan for us since before he created Adam. Don't you think the creator of us knows how we are to function? When God speaks to us, we need to listen reverently and obey unwillingly and without question. If you look at the Ten Commandments, they are not designed to stifle our fun. They are there to protect us from ourselves. Each and every one is there for your benefit, not your angst.
It took me thirty years to truly understand these truths. Three decades to realize that I would never be at peace until I submitted to His will. I am ashamed at what I was a short time ago. And I am overjoyed at the unending grace of a Lord and Savior that would even save a wretch like me! Even when I turned my back on Him, I was called out by the Holy Spirit. But I was too much in love with myself to be bothered with it all.
And now, by the grace of the Lord and the power of His name, I have returned and laid down my resistance. Perhaps my experience in these things can be used for God somehow. That's completely up to Him.
It feels good to come clean.
Posted by: Doug at March 27, 2004 09:33 PMHi Doug,
You mentioned that if anyone would like to share their testimony to send it to you. It is lengthy, so if you choose to use any or all of it, feel free to do so.
I'd like to share with you some things about my life of changes. Changes that led me down - and changes that brought me into a closer walk with my Lord and Saviour.
I am so very thankful for my Christian parents where Christian principles were lived and taught. As you know, God does not have any grandchildren, and for many years I did not relate Christianity as being my own relationship with the person of Jesus Christ. Many changes came in my life, beginning soon after my 7th birthday, when my mother went on to Glory. That was my first experience with death and earthly seperation -- I did not understand nor did I deal well with all the circumstances of growing up without a mother. My Dad and my two older sisters tried very hrd to deal with their own grief as well as to help me in my life. So I just sort of grew. That same year was the depression, Bank closings and etc. My Dad lost what little money we had.
Another change came the following year when we moved to the White Oak Community. I was terrified to leave the one room school with one teacher for eight grades and to to a new school with many rooms, many teachers and a sea of unfamiliar faces. I continued to just grow and live with the inadequancies of not having a mother and failed to realize how hard my Dad tried to help me.
By the time I was in high school and despite my Dad and sisters love and concern for me, I became reckless, rebellious and bitter. I hated coming home from school alone -- and I was afraid. But I was much too proud to tell anyone how I felt. White Oak Church was here beaming out the Gospel and we attended regularly. It too was undergoing many changes -- from one denomination to another and finally becoming independent.
I played basketball, was in school plays, roller skated and etc., like all the rest. But my life was empty -- and my Dad was "so old fashioned", He wouldn't allow me to date until I was a sophmore and then I could not go to movies, play cards, dance or any of the other things "everyone else got to do."
Another change came two months before I graduated from high school. At that time,
my older sister, her husband and two boys had come to live with Dad and I. Our washing machine was broken, and my Dad was taking Lavonne to my Grandma's to do the laundry, while he went to Des Moines. I wasn't ready for school yet, so stayed at home to go to school on the school bus. They never came home -- a car/train accident just one half mile from our home took their lives (just east of White Oak).
Suddenly at the age of sixteen, I had no parents, no home and I wished it had happened to me. And I was so afraid. I went to live with Marjorie and Howard (my other sister and her husband). Their daughter, Bernice, was about three years old.
I graduated and went to business school in Des Moines. I can't describe the sense of loss at that time. Des Moines was so big and like coming to White Oak School ten years before, this change was even greater -- I was so homesick and lonely.
After business school, I went to Ames to work. I broke up with my "social security boyfriend" -- decided that in Ames, I could have more fun with the U.S. Navy guys who were stationed there. What happened was not fun and left me terrified.
Then another change came -- The brother of a good friend I had know for ten years and who I had always regarded as a "brat" asked to take me to the roller skating rink and I accepted. That became a four month courtship -- and we were in love!!!!
It was during World War II and Harold had to go into the service. Plans were that on his first furlough, we would be married and I would go with him sto the next army base. Wrong!! Three months into his training, his batallion was alerted to go the the Pacific -- no furlough and I was again afraid. He was able to get a five day delay enroute. We were married in White Oak Church in January -- it didn't seem important to ask someone to start the furnace, so it was icy cold!
Harold was overseas two years. I moved to Des Moines and made friends with other soldier's wifes while working at Banker's Life there. This was to be another downward step. I started drinking (the social thing), as well as smoking -- altho' I never mastered to where I really enjoyed either. I called Marjorie and Howard's my home on weekends and waited for the end of the war. All the time I feared that Harold would be one who would not return. But the Lord wasn't through with us and brought him home.
We lived in the White Oak community where our three boys (Ron, Roger and Steven) were born. We were as poor as church mice, but so were all our friends, so it didn't matter.
One night after we had gone to bed, Harold asked me if I prayed before I went to sleep. I acted as if I didn't hear him, because by now I was "playing Christian". But he asked me again -- I said, "No -- because my prayers wouldn't go any higher than the ceiling." He told me there was a prayer that God would hear and if I wouldn't want to receive Christ. That was all it took -- and I was born again!!!
The weight of my entire life was now in my Savior's hands. We continued to be very active in White Oak Church and raised our sons in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. I was sure my troubles were over -- I'd paid my dues, so to speak and the Lord wouldn't take anymoore of my loved ones for a long time.
The most devasting change came when Harold was diagnosed with cancer after 35 years of marriage. We were very thankful for the time we had to say and talk about things that married couples never talk about realistically. I shall always remember Harold bringing us both back to the Truth that God is sovereign -- there is no higher authority. He reminded me that God is our refuge and strength -- a very present help in trouble -- and that our Heavenly Father is too good to be unkind and too wise to make mistakes.
White Oak Church folks were so supportive of us and had a special prayer service. Harold and I prayed that the Lord would give us 4 more years to see Steve through Seminary. God gave us 4 months and then on November 3, 1980, Harold told me that he would see me in Glory and he entered the very presence of His Lord and Savior -- absent from the Body and present with the Lord.
Jesus Christ, family and friends were such a help and support to me. There were many times though, when I came home to an empty spot that no one can ever fill. But I could never have survived, without my Lord and Savior. The emotional and real physical pain at that time just came over me like waves and overwhelmed me.
I know I have flunked widowhood, but Christ has never failed me. I have always been thankful that I never have to questiond "Why?" Harold and I had settled that -- knowing that God is Sovereign; and the miracle of not being afraid to live alone -- yes, so very lonely, but not afraid. My sister, Marjorie used to tell me, "Belv, you're doing great" and how much that helped me.
Again, I felt -- I've paid my dues -- the Lord wouldn't take another of my loved ones.
Wrong!! Another change , When cancer took Marjorie, I became the only one left in my original family, and I was reminded of the verse in Psalms 116:15 -- "Precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death of His saints."
I began to have an intense desire to learn everything that I could from God's Word about "the Place" where my precious loved ones had gone. Marjorie shared this thought with me, "I;m going to such a beautiful Place and you must stay here, yet a little while".
Through all of these times, the life verse I had chosen years before became so very real to me -- Phil. 3:10 -- "That I may know him and the Power of His Resurrection, the Fellowship of His Sufferings being made conformable unto His Death."
Being a widow, I have come to know Christ in a way I never would of, because as all of us know, we lean on our husbands and depend on them for many things. I especially enjoy the chorus, "Learning to Lean on Jesus."
That learning goes on and on through the changes my Lord and Savior has in store for me.
One of the things I face today exists on the inside, as do with all of us -- what we face today exists on the inside. What we think in our hearts affects the way we act and interact with others -- "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he"
Praise God!!!
Posted by: Belva McHone at March 28, 2004 11:23 PMWow, Doug! It's amazing to see, again and again, how God keeps His hand on His children. How He is faithful when we are unfaithful.
Thank you for sharing from your heart. May God use this to bless many. *hug*
Posted by: TulipGirl at March 29, 2004 08:52 PMGod is good all the time! Click on my name to read my testimony.
And stop by my blog anytime!
www.lashawnbarber.com
Doug:
You've shown great courage with your public proclamation of your testimony.
Your story of accepting Christ, then falling away, is a common one among Christians. But I believe it's a situation that Satan uses to put even more space between us and God by riddling us with guilt and shame.
I believe God will use your testimony here and through other means to show others how they can come back to God and live a Godly life again.
I'm proud to have you in our men's group Doug. You're a great brother in the Lord!
Dave DeValois
Polk City
Wow! Where does one begin? At the beginning right, lol. I was raised Catholic. I married young and became a young mother, but had a very supportive husband and family. Turns out husband is a baptist and started going to church after some health problems, so I started attending with him. After some time I too accepted Jesus within my warm and caring heart and converted myself from being a Catholic to being born again. I have never thought of going back to my past religious beliefs ... now I believe in HIM, not what some church tells me I should believe.
I am going to skip to the present:
My husband and I had been married for 19 yrs last Feb 2003, when in May our marriage almost crumpled apart. It felt like I had literally visited hell and lived to tell about it. I think that is when I hit "the bottom" and knew in my heart that I had to make changes in my life, if not for me, then for both of us. And to make my point clear, I have to say back in 2002 I remember literally telling God to be patient with me (as his child) because I had to find out who I am, but in the long process that I took to find out who I was... I ended up losing myself in the process and it almost cost me my whole life. During that turbulent part of almost having my marriage slip away from me I had thoughts of taking my own life. I literally had to 'look up' in order to see what I'd be missing out on which saved me, he saved me. He had been patient with me and now he was getting my attention and he SAVED me!
We decided then that we loved each other too much to just throw 19 yrs away and I had to search my heart in order to find forgiveness for what my husband had done to me. I still hurt from what he has done, but what has hurt me more is knowing that I turned my back on my Jesus. I always felt his presence ... I knew he was always there for me at a moments notice, but it was me and my selfish will, my rebellious will that I turned my back on him. We just celebrated 20 yrs together in February 2004. My husband isn't quite there yet (he too is backslidden), but I know God is giving me the grace and faith to know that HE has it all under control. All I have to do is trust him! Now I know that I will NEVER turn my back on the one and only GREAT SPIRIT that has NEVER turned his back on me ... even when I was so blind not to follow him in my life.
We can't put our faith in mortal man because mortal men will fail us, but God will never fail us, God will never disappoint us. And I love him, I love him, I love HIM! Praise you Jesus, Lord of my heart and being! Sue
Thanks for sharing your tale. The love and grace of God is truly awesome. I am reminded of Hosea 11:3 (it might be vs. 4) which speaks of God leading Israel with chords of love. He did it for you, he does it for all of us.
Posted by: Tim Plett at July 21, 2004 12:33 PM