The church is painfully aware of the turmoil caused by divorce and has responded with books, seminars and countless sermons. In my admittedly limited experience, the books put out have a tendency to spend more time than necessary discussing the importance of defending your marital vows and not enough time providing guidelines to produce an effective personal defense. A the same time, churches all too often spend their time on this subject teaching rigid steps that all listening are expected to utilize with very little consideration for personal weaknesses or Biblical steps that are to be taken in this fight.
Jerry Jenkins, in his book “Hedges,” takes a wonderful step toward righting these scales. He does this, not by calling for congregations to be exhorted any more than they are, but by providing a written call to all men. It is a call for us to examine ourselves Biblically, as we seek our potential weaknesses and plant hedges around our greatest vulnerabilities. The hedges we plant are to be personalized, for what works for one man may not work for another. We can determine our own hedges, Jenkins asserts, through prayer and open communication with those who are directly at risk, should our hedges not be strong enough to withstand the inevitable feints and direct attacks on our egos.
One of many important steps toward shoring up our defenses that I brought out of his book contradicted much of what you hear from marriage councilors, both Christian and secular. Jenkins acknowledges that marriage is to be treasured and defended, but stresses that the greatest defense does not call for us to rush into battle or to withstand the temptations we all face. Rather, he reminds us that the battle against sexual immorality is won, not on the battlefield, but in our retreat.
2 Timothy 2:22 (Listen)
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.
As I consider this, I am reminded of my own struggles with lust. I am aware that I am not the only Christian man who has tried to face this challenge and lost. Failing this battle just once can overshadow a hundred victories. The enemy is patient and relentless. Attacks on my ego can come from any and all directions and even a victory wears on me, setting me up for the next attack. Jenkins offers scenarios that I am familiar with, even though my life doesn’t mirror those in his examples. It doesn’t have to, for the strategies used against me are the same as those used on others, even as the excuses that have entered my own mind not all that long ago are all written in black and white on these pages.
The book is not alarmist, but it is painfully sincere as it shows how even a marriage that seems ideal on the outside can be eroding from the inside. Trends in the church do follow trends in society, much to our shame. We can take society’s stance that any correction must come from victories won or we can take God’s stand and flee the immoral situation, even if it was our own doing that brought us to that place. We can accept the same excuses from our friends that society finds perfectly acceptable or we can tackle the issue head-on by telling the next person in the church who is prepared to abandon their spouse that this will not be tolerated, based on the response given to the last person who pleaded the Lord’s will that they divorce.
Marriage vows are taken before God and man and are not to be taken lightly. Jenkins does a great job of underscoring this fact, but no amount of emphasis on this can ever be enough. Once the reader has an understanding of how to face this threat to the sanctity of their vows, we are given some wonderful examples of the blessings others have experienced by obeying the mandate to defend their marriages at their weakest points.
Jenkins clearly defined his purposes for this book and met each one of those purposes with boldness, truth and practical tips. If I have any complaint, it is that he apologized to anyone who feels that his guidelines may seem prudish or old-fashioned. In fifty years, the stigma of divorce has changed from that of a cultural anomaly to become something that is expected. Nobody walks down an aisle hoping their marriage will fail, yet so many people are completely unprepared to defend their vows. The advice in this book is neither prudish nor is it archaic. Jenkins does not claim to be anything other than what he is, a loving husband and father. “Hedges” is one book that I fully recommend, not for its deep message but for its simple approach to help any man who is sincere in his desire to make his marriage one that will withstand the test of time.
For further reviews of this book, check out the Diet of Bookworms.
May 30th, 2005 at 11:02 am
Hedges is a good metaphor. I also like walls and gatekeeping. Those images were a major thrust of my teaching on the book of Nehemiah over the years. Men need to build walls around their family (as well as themselves) in the same way Nehemiah rebuilt the walls around Jerusalem. They also need to be the gatekeepers, deciding what should be allowed inside those walls as well as the watchman who sounds the alarm.
We let an awful lot through our walls (especially through entertainment other people) that shouldn’t be there.
May 30th, 2005 at 7:38 pm
Ok. I’m getting the signals. That’s the second time I’ve read about that book today…and both were good reviews. I guess it’s time to buy and read it. Godspeed, Friend.
May 30th, 2005 at 8:18 pm
Doug,
Thank you for the review, and your comments. It appears that Hedges was a sincere exercise for Jenkins. But something you commented on struck me as a bit “off.”
Once the reader has an understanding of how to face this threat to the sanctity of their vows, we are given some wonderful examples of the blessings others have experienced by obeying the mandate to defend their marriages at their weakest points.
Doug, this begs the question: If believers do not take their vows with God as the most serious, then can we really expect the vows to our mate (or friends, family, etc.) to be any more significant? I am wondering how forceful Jenkins was on this issue in his book, and how much he stresses that love (in the context of the great commandments) is the true remedy, not only for our faith in Christ Jesus, but for our love for each other as well - including our spouses?
May 30th, 2005 at 9:38 pm
Jenkins was very clear in the book that he is no theologian. All he tried to do was take what he does know and share it with us. I reviewed the book on that basis. I looked at the author’s stated purpose for writing the book and judged it first according to that purpose. This does not mean that every book I review will receive high praises, as I will need to be convinced that the purpose of the book is one that seeks to honor God.
I’m definitely with you that we are to honor God by honoring our mates. Jenkins did make it a point that we are to defend the marriage God has given us in the way that God has given us, but I see this book as more of a “why and how to” book than a book of deep theology.
While you or I may connect better with the theological aspects of this book, I felt it unfair to review it based solely on how I would have written it. As I contemplated my angle, I thought of kid’s movies that were on the Ebert and Roper show that my son enjoyed and I liked as well, but the hosts didn’t like it because the plot was too childish. Ebert and Roper aren’t the target audience!
So while I got more out of “Desiring God” in the love and marriage chapters, I decided not to judge this book on another book that had to go deep into the Bible to defend a “forgotten” theology.
Likewise, if you ever write a book, I would love the opportunity to read and review it and would base my opinion of it solely on your book. Judging such a book by the posts on your blog, I believe I would enjoy it immensely!
This book has helped me realize a few things that I hadn’t considered as I pointed out in the review. I encourage you to check it out when you get a chance. It is light reading and doesn’t require that you dig deeply to find out if the concepts are Biblical or not. The limited times that Jenkins does discuss scripture, he gets right to the point and takes that point to a place where a reader will be better equiped to plant hedges around their own weaknesses.
May 31st, 2005 at 4:28 pm
Thanks for the reply, Doug.
Brad
May 31st, 2005 at 4:42 pm
My pleasure! I had considered posting my rationalle for reviewing in the post, or in a warm-up post, but just… well… got busy.
September 27th, 2006 at 6:57 pm
I am a wife who has a husband who is a Christian but is always looking at other women. I have told him how much is makes me feel disrespected and insecure. I am 48 and most people tell me I lood like am in my 30s. I try and look good for my husband and to fel good about myself. He says that I am being insecure and that he is not lusting and if it is there he is going to look. I feel hurt and offended. I tell him that if it is not lust andif it is nothing, If he knows that it bothers me that much than for the Love and respect for me dont do it. He says that I am not going to tell him what to do and He is not happy being a christian with me. He says why dont you do your own thing and I will do mine. I feel he is being dishonest in someway but I cant quite figure it out what it is. He has read your books and other articles but says that this guy is not real or over doing it and He cant believe that anyone does this. God put them there so I willnot turn my head if Ido not feel like it. I amm at the point of just feeling overwelmed with hurt and axiety overhim. He is soon starting a new job driving a truck and of course I am nervous. I pray all of the time . I ask God to change me if I am being overly sensitive. I do not know what to do, I do’nt want him to touch me thinking I wonder who he was looking at that didit for him cause it isn’t me. I find myself not liking him at all. Please HELP US. What do I do??