2020 Thanksgiving Guidelines

In light of these precedented times and the unprecedented overreactions I thought it would be a good idea to share some guidelines that ought to be universal to all this coming Thanksgiving. I would require that you follow these rules, but I don’t want to enforce them at your home. They are the expectation at my family’s Thanksgiving though.

  1. Pray before the meal. Pray to God in the name of Jesus. Don’t just go around the table and ask what each person is thankful for. Pray and thank the fount of every blessing.
  2. Be a good host. And to do so, ignore the conflicting information coming from the CDC as well as your local lawmakers. We were told masks don’t work. We were later told to wear one, not to protect yourself but everyone around you. Now we are told they protect you as well, even though the CDC said that 85% of the positive cases were from people who wear masks either All or Most of the time. The CDC has been on every side of this and your best response is to ignore them.
    • If someone shows up in a mask, be kind to them. They know that they will need to remove it if they will be eating anything, making their arrival in a mask purely cosmetic.
    • If you are invited to someone’s home, don’t show up in a mask. Don’t be that guy. It sends a message that contradicts the very reason you were initially invited.
  3. Gravy is a near-universal condiment. The only exception that comes to mind is dessert. Don’t put gravy on your pumpkin pie.
  4. Don’t talk politics. Just don’t.
  5. Any news program is verboten on this day. I saw my first bit of national news in over a year this last weekend and it was just vile. I took a journalism class in college and these clowns have absolutely none of the objectivity that was restated in every class session. They are in the midst of a historical time that will be dissected by future generations, but all they can do is recite “Orange Man Bad.” Pathetic.
  6. Sigh. The early NFL Games both suck. Texans at Lions? Washington at Cowboys? Ugh. Unless your team is playing, you can get some brownie points with your wife if you tell her you want to focus on just family during them. Don’t tell her why, you dolt! But the late game of Ravens at Steelers is worth watching.
  7. Cranberry sauce is useful. Put some on the white meat. You’re welcome. If you still don’t like it, refer to rule #3.
  8. Are you nervous about ruining the turkey? Buy a couple Costco rotisserie chickens the day before and stick them in the refrigerator. The next morning, put them on the smoker or in the oven at a low temperature. You’re not cooking them again because you bought them cooked. You’re just warming them up and maybe adding a little extra flavor. I smoked them last year and the results were delightful!
  9. Congratulations, you have now entered the Stuffing and Eggnog Season. You have roughly 5 weeks where it’s OK to consume these with every meal. If you aren’t counting carbs, take full advantage! But know that you will pay for these 5 weeks with a gym membership in January, that you will regret before February.
  10. Will the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade be worth watching? I want to say no, but with the lunacy going on it will be a memory to tell your grandchildren as you tell tales about what it was once like to be free.

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